I laugh until l have to wipe away tears as I watch my jolly 2-year-old. He is yanking and tugging, trying to prove to me that his big brother’s pants fit him. When he gets them pulled up almost to his neck, he holds them with both hands – baby eyes sparkling blue – and says…”See?!”
And I laugh and cry and know that there is no way that God doesn’t find joy in watching that big-boy baby and his antics, too.
I’m not sure why this particular craziness reminds me so much of God’s heart for me. But it does. I know he’s silly and immature for wearing his big brother’s clothes. He scurries through the kitchen towards the back door – desperately trying to not be left behind by his older siblings. For some reason when he dresses himself in a hurry he usually grabs his 6-yr-old brother’s clothes. Most of the time they are on backwards or inside out. But he’s happy and proud and ready to go out and take on the world. (I’m just thankful he’s dressed! Other days he just scurries out in his Thomas the Tank Engine underwear if he can sneak it past me.)
I guess it just reminds me that God sees my silliness. He sees me scurrying and learning and failing and growing. And yet – somehow - He doesn’t feel impatient with me.
I don’t say to my 2-yr-old…”Get back in there and take those big clothes off! You look ridiculous! How many times to I have to tell you that your clothes drawers are on the LEFT and Caiden’s are on the RIGHT?! Don’t let it happen again!” No. I sit and watch him and love him till my heart hurts. And I teach him. In time.
And I’m just so thoroughly grateful that God treats me – and loves me - that same way.
Sometimes our visions of controlled perfection and flawless holiness cause us to live in a constant state of mild, subconscious defeat. We start actually believing that if we worked hard enough and got it all together enough for long enough that we could somehow earn our holiness. The Greek word for that is hogwash. It took me a long, long time to learn that.
Then I really found grace.
And I had children. And I started realizing what it feels like to love a child. And His love started sinking into deeper layers than it had before.
I am blessed with an absolutely amazing earthly father who loves me in an excellent way. But my Abba’s love and patience for me are beyond what I can even understand. I’m trying to get my head and my heart around it. I wish I knew His heart better.
But I know one thing. I can trust His heart. I can trust His Abba love for me. He’s gonna train me and grow me up for as long as I’ll listen. Even if I put my clothes on backwards.
|Kayla, Karissa, Caiden and Corin|
(Written in 2012)
Jeremiah 31: 3b-4
“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
I will build you up again and you….will take up your tambourines
and go out to dance with the joyful.”