I have learned to know myself, and I suspect several practical reasons, but as usual the presence of fear within me feeds fear itself.
I have remarkable awe and respect for my mother’s unending patience in talking me and walking me and praying me through night after night of fear. Spiritual fear, physical fear, mental & emotional fear.
God has worked Himself in me patiently and powerfully.... and my heart now is so sure and still and quiet compared to the dark muddle that haunted me for many years.
But lately, the edges of my spirit are burned with the dark hint of fear again.
Not knowing why the car fell off the table. Not knowing what is in a room to trip me as I walk through in darkness. Not knowing what causes the noises of basements. Not knowing if this body will ever know disease or if my children will always be safe and well. Not knowing what God will allow into my life past his great sweeping hedge of protection. But wait....don’t I know?
One whose footing has been tested can be utterly sure
that his Rock will stand.
We’ve all heard it questioned....why do bad things happen to good people? Some would answer...why not? It rains on the just and the unjust. If you break certain laws of nature, there are natural consequences. But lately that has not been enough for me. I am holding – clinging - to a God who has built a strong and mighty hedge of protection around myself and my family. And if ANY evil or sadness finds its way past his great and loving arms it will be only because He sees fit in His eternal wisdom to prove His goodness in our lives.
God answers our questions, you know, in very individualized language. Usually, for me, He answers them with Himself. I did not know where my jumbled fears would take my searching fingers tonight. But He has brought them around, once again, to the words printed above our front entry.
That I am.
Right now, in my tears, I want to go wake up all 4 of my babies and hold them and kiss them and guarantee their utter safety. What mother's heart doesn't long to hold them forever-sure? But I have to trust in arms that are bigger than mine. I have to trust His goodness. I have to trust His love.
And the sigh of that love returns to my spirit so that once again I can pillow my head in sweet sleep.
And His arms hold us still.
And all is well.