Purity
Hello, Friends and Lurkers
Chilly autumn greetings to you. I come seeking your wisdom!
I'm working on a purity project for young ladies, and I have a question for you:
If you could give a bit of advice to some girls (and their mothers) about emotional and physical purity, what would you tell them?
(Guys - I would consider your input extremely valuable in this discussion - if any of you have the guts!)
I have disabled the anonymous comments blocker in case any of you would prefer to share anonymously.
Sarah here later, checking in....I am loving all of the input and wisdom that is coming from your hearts. I would love to hear more of the same. I'm also waiting for someone to talk about emotional purity: giving out too many pieces of our hearts, etc. And....anyone brave enough to talk about why you personally are sorry you didn't (or are glad you did) make good choices? Anyone want to talk to the ones who have already given too much? This is great stuff...keep it coming!
Chilly autumn greetings to you. I come seeking your wisdom!
I'm working on a purity project for young ladies, and I have a question for you:
If you could give a bit of advice to some girls (and their mothers) about emotional and physical purity, what would you tell them?
(Guys - I would consider your input extremely valuable in this discussion - if any of you have the guts!)
I have disabled the anonymous comments blocker in case any of you would prefer to share anonymously.
Sarah here later, checking in....I am loving all of the input and wisdom that is coming from your hearts. I would love to hear more of the same. I'm also waiting for someone to talk about emotional purity: giving out too many pieces of our hearts, etc. And....anyone brave enough to talk about why you personally are sorry you didn't (or are glad you did) make good choices? Anyone want to talk to the ones who have already given too much? This is great stuff...keep it coming!
Comments
In "And the Bride Wore White" she compares the way you value yourself, look at yourself as a fine china teacup to be valued and treasured, not styrofoam to be used and thrown out. Also she talks about the steps to physical intimacy and talks about drawing the line now (page 90)
Just get a copy of both books :-)
Sadly enough, in the heat of the moment, all good and common sense (and in many cases, right and wrong) flies out the window.
Our worth as Christians must, in reality, come from how Jesus views us. If we have a vibrant relationship with Him, we are ever pursuing to plese Him, to reflect His beauty.
Of course, since we are captive to this temporary world of "flesh" we have to deal with its forces, but we do not have to be governed by them. When I use the term "flesh", I mean it the way Paul used it; just the realm of this temporary world we are in with physical decaying bodies.
As followers of Jesus, we must "renew" our mind moment by moment with what He says is beautiful, not with what the people around us say.
(Renew our mind, i.e. walk after the spirit--the forever world; I on purpose did not capitalize "spirit". I've learned that in the Greek it was never capitalized. Many times Paul uses the word not meaning The Holy Spirit, rather the realm of the spiritual, the lasting, the real, the eternal.)
So, from my present understanding, simply trusting and following Jesus (once again) brings us to where we need to be, to purity inside and out.
He says we are beautiful as we love others, not seek to have worth through getting attention focused on our body. He says as we serve others we are beautiful, not serving the desires our bodies have. There is no end to the desires a human body has. There is no way to fulfill them--it's an endless pursuit. If we seek to do that, we go further and further from Jesus and His purity.
Maybe there's something useful in my rambling. I'm just sort of thinking out loud. I do highly appreciate the topic being discussed. It's despartely needed.
Jerry Cooper
I don't think Joseph (Jacob's son) was mentioned in the Bible for nothin'. He is the perfect example of purity, even with raging hormones and constant daily temptation. But, it seems most men believe Joseph is the exception and not the rule.
I could say more, a whole lot more, but I won't. It's best I remain anonymous so I don't embarrass anyone. ;)
If we believe we cannot live above willful transgressions, we won't; if we beieve we are suppose to and can with God's help, we will.
And of course, the Bible wouldn't instruct us to if we weren't able.
My Grandmother told my mother..."A good name is ALL a poor girl has!" My Moma always warned me to be careful of what I did...for someday, I could be a pastor's wife, missionary, etc. and travel around and have to face those same men that were my friends when I was younger. WHAT SHE HAD TO SAY WAS TRUE...for I am a pastor's wife...missionaries wife and have had to travel around and meet the same men again. My Moma said that even today...when she looks at her GBS year books, the faces of those that messed up, sinned, etc. always stand out to her.
I don't know why you asked this question...but I hope that if you are going to speak about this subject...that the girls listen and learn a lot from what you have to say. =) Sorry to take up so much room, like I said, this subject has been on my mind for some time.
I love all the new pics of your kids! Too cute!
I recommend "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot
"Beautiful Girlhood" Revised by Karen Andreola and for smaller children:
"The Princess and the Kiss" by Jennie Bishop
You might want to check out Lauren Winner's "Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity." I have not read the whole book, but I've read enough to know that she is very insightful about this subject and has a lot to say to today's generation. She brings a different perspective to this whole topic.
Sarah;
I remember reading in Rebellution (a great book by Brett and Alex Harris) that they conducted a modesty survey on their blog. You may want to check that out.
Emotional Purity as described is not an issue with me. Maybe cause I am a guy?
There are many reasons why I am glad I waited, here are a couple; This was already mentioned but bears repeating, I have introduced my wife to several girls I went out with(I hesitate to say dated since there are only 2 or 3 girls that I went out with more than twice.) and would not be ashamed to introduce her to the others if the chance presented itself. Another reason is that I have friends who have had many marital problems because their spouse has insecurities about their "adequacy" in the marital bed when compared to former lovers. The last one I will list is that I can be a "moral authority" to my children and not have to be a hypocrite.
One last comment is that I believe as a parent COMPLETE honesty is vital to helping your child maintain purity. My example is my father who is brutally honest and blunt(now you know where I get it). My dad was completely honest when we had our various "birds and bees" discussions and assured me that sexual relations were a wonderful and pleasureable time, however he cautioned me that while it would be an enjoyable experience if I were to participate premaritally the potential consequences were not worth the risk and the pleasure and reward gained by waiting would be HUGE. You all may think I am crazy but there were a couple times in my life that the "opportunity" presented itself and the words of my dad came back to me and gave me the extra restraint I needed.
In closing, I have often asked "Why didn't God design us so the desires started AFTER MARRIAGE?".
Jerry Cooper
My mother always taught us that our beauty comes from within. We can look in the mirror and tell ourselves we are beautiful. If you have Jesus living within, you have a shine, a special beauty, the He gives.
We need to cultivate a sense of pride and self-esteem in our children and peers. Girls need to watch out for others who are more reserved and quiet. Those girls need girlfriends to be with and to help build her self-esteem. My mother encouraged us to look for the one who needed a friend. I hope I'm not way off on the subject we are sharing with. I feel this is part of building healthy relationships.
You have gotten very good tips from the others who have replied. I hope my two cents worth helps out also.
God bless you in this endeavor!!!
this sort of healthy mindset afloat into new places!!
As for emotional purity....as an "old single" now, (heavens forbid:)!!) I am sooo thankful that my heart has not been parceled out into little pieces in a mindless pursuit of that ever-lofty goal...(ie marriage). While certainly not perfect, my goal should be and most times has been to know myself....be comfortable in my God-created identity....whether that identity included another or not....that valuing of self as created by God has helped in pursuing holisitic purity. (this is a pretty basic theory as well you know)(but of course folks define the "purpose" of we women in different ways....often leading to confusion and contributing (imo) to the very problems you seek to address)
WOW..THAT's the idea!!
(and just for your info., alot of the book is actually about marriage...ie the place for sex.)
Growing up I had the very distinct understanding that my mother thought it was TERRIBLE for a girl to have a baby before she was married. I was probably around 7 to 10 years old and had no idea what caused a girl to have a baby. I kindof equated a baby with a sneeze......you may have one at any moment without forwarning, married or unmarried!!!!!! So, I prayed fervantly EVERY night as part of my bedtime prayer....
"And God, PLEASE don't let any of us girls have a baby before we get married!!"
I think knowing how hurt Mom (and God) would be, helped me later on in life to say no to sexual temptations.
I certainly haven't been perfect, but I WAS a virgin when I got married at age 41!!!!
(My High School kids can't believe this!!!......I can't either!!! It's only the GRACE OF GOD!!)
.....and God DID answer my childish prayer!!!!
You can't take back whats "written" on your heart and body. Stress to them consequences and sin taking them to a place they don't want to go. I wish that I had listened when I was young because sex has a price tag!
~
Specifically, in regard to your note on emotional purity - she addresses the comparison between a man looking with lustful eyes and a woman giving away her emotions to the various men (real or imagined) in her life & mind.
In Every Man's Battle Stephen Arterburn teaches men to redirect their eyes, in this book she teaches women to redirect their thoughts. Training proper focus while acknowledging that God created us as sexual beings and offering guidance on how to embrace that as pure Christians instead of telling you to ignore it and hope it will go away.
Also, a year or so ago, we heard a talk on the Fam. Life Today with Joshua Harris. They discussed modesty, etc. It caused some discussion between my hubby & I. He acknowledged that it must be hard for us ladies that really do our best to be modest. We can a lot of times feel frumpy, or unattractive. He actually thanked me for dressing modestly - it made me cry. Unfortunately I can't remember all of the conversation. It was just neat that he realized - for the first time ever - that it is not easy to dress this way and to be soooo different from the "norm".
I too have been alarmed at the way our "Holiness" crowd is dressing. What Heather said has been on my heart as well.
Another book that talks some about modesty is "Sexy Girls". I have not read the whole thing and I do know that she is not coming from a necessarily conservative angle, but there were definitely some good points made about certain ways girls dress and what it does to guys.
Since I am commenting anonymously, I will say that my husband and I "messed around" when we were dating. We did not have "sex", but ..... I feel like it still affects the way I feel about sex and we've been married for over 8 years. If only we can teach our children that there are some things that are worth waiting for. Maybe that's part of the problem - we live in a society that teaches, why wait for anything?! We have credit cards, loans, everything available so that we can get what we want, when we want it. The discipline of waiting is one that seems to be forgotten.
I have also heard that a girl's relationship with her father plays a vital part in how she relates to boys.
Enough of my rambling. Hope some of this is helpful.
I hope this helps. Bev
All this stuff is great. I have really enjoyed reading all these comments. My niece Heather put a link from her blog to yours. I remembered you from our ladies retreat a couple of years ago in the Crocker’s barn (in Hobe Sound where the sun shines on your face:)) so I just had to take a peek and see what all this was about. I just have to say I really appreciate all you do for Christ. I would have to agree with the post from Jerry Cooper, honesty is the best way to show God’s purity to our young people. I was not raised a Christian, in fact I didn’t come to Christ until I was 37. By that time I was married with 3 beautiful children (two of which were as tall as me at the time). For most of my life I was taught that I can be as “independent” as a man, that women should have the same opportunities as our male “counterparts”. Yes I grew up in a liberal, feminist, selfish society (better known as the “world”). I was taught by most of the adults who had influence over me that my generation would try, but fail at purity so our lifesaver would be Planned Parenthood where we could obtain birth control, condoms, and yes even that procedure that cures every mistake, abortion. Without going into my whole story in this teeny tiny spot I’ll just tell you of my failure. I made a lot of wrong choices from the age of 12 on and found myself in a crisis pregnancy around the end of my 14th year. Someone told me of a little procedure that would take care of my problem before it became a baby. I found a doctor and lied about my name, age and social security number, gave the nurse my $150.00 (yes this was a looong time ago) and went in to have my first child murdered. From that moment on my life just began to spiral. In health class a couple of weeks after my abortion I watched a movie presentation of life in the womb. I was devastated. Instead of turning to God (which I didn’t understand) I turned to drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity. I married a man just a messed up as myself (the father of my three living children) and we almost destroyed each other.
Then God stepped in!! My husband was touched by God and I watched. That got me curious and eventually I gave my heart to Christ. There are so many things I want to say, but will try to keep this to one page and not a book. When God lead me to a group of women and a bible study I began to walk through the trauma of my past abortion. During this time I decided to tell my children of their brother I had aborted and ask them for their forgiveness. It was the most amazing moment of my life to open up honestly with them and tell them of my failures and have them forgive me. So short story long:), having my kindergartener ask for prayer for her oldest brother and her mommy during prayer time in class pierced right through to my now heart of flesh.
My children are fearless champions of the right to life as defined in the Bible. Every life is sacred. So yes I do believe that our children can handle the truth about abortion, premarital sex, STD’s, STI’s and the evils of substance abuse. They just need people like us to tell them honestly about the consequences.
I met a wonderful post abortion peer counselor this past summer. She is from the Indianapolis area though her organization is branching out into other parts. She is a Catholic but when I met her, I must say, I saw Christ in her face.
She had an abortion many years ago and had to come to terms with it years later. Her website is www.healinghiddenhurts.org And the phone number is 1-800-827-1617
Obviously,I don't know who you are, but I can't imagine the heavy, heavy burden of anguish and guilt and secrets that Satan has put on you for 25 years. I pray that you find healing and I do think you could help many girls who've had abortions in their past.
www.safehavenministries.com
www.optionline.org
www.abortionchangesyou.com
www.healinghearts.org
And for men, they are all too often forgotten when we think of abortion pain.
www.fatherhoodforever.org
www.lifeissues.org/men/MAN
www.menandabortion.info
Then I also have a confidential email address devoted to post abortion pain.
handsforhope@live.com
Thank you so much for opening up this window of thought. God surely is and will use it for His glory.
Blessings
Libby
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