I'm still here

.....I hate to admit it, but I guess I've been in a bit of survival mode for awhile. I'll spare you the gory details, but life has just been coming at me faster than I can bat it back. If' you've never been there, I wanna move wherever it is you live.

But I was just talking with my friend about wanting to know "Why" when life bats you a bunch of curve balls. There's just something about knowing the purpose - what in the world is going on - that helps me survive better and bat a little quicker.

If it's an attack from the enemy: I get mad. I'm ready to fight back and black some eyes. And I'm encouraged that there's a reason to bother with fighting me. Must be doing something right.

If it's a spiritual toughening time: I'm ready to learn the lessons at hand and move on (as if it works that way). I'm encouraged that the Lord would take the time to help me grow spiritual muscle.

If it's just life: I can quit trying to figure out what's going on, just chalk it up to The Fall, and brace myself.

But....since no crisis manual came with this particular set of months, I guess I'll just keep standing and being.

I have a fear of people saying of me: "She's always in survival mode. She's always in a crisis." But the truth is, sometimes life brings you a string of nighttimes full of asthma attacks and chronically sick kids and raging fevers and head banging babies and maxed-out marriages all at the same time. And I'm learning that it's okay to be where I am.

I've mentioned before that long-term sleep deprivation is usually a slippery slope to discouragement and depression for me. And I'm bracing myself. But so far the exhaustion has brought mostly frustration rather than depression (that's a lot of shuns). And I'm ever and ever so grateful. And the kid troubles seem to be subsiding into normalness (whatever that is)!

I'm enjoying this moment - with the two little ones miraculously still asleep - to live and not survive. That quiet space before the day hits. I'm resting in his enoughness. I'm remembering my blessings. I'm trying to figure out if there's anything I need to do about that lovely fight my beloved and I just had on his way out of the house.

Let me share an incredible verse my very amazing babysitter and friend (Shelley Carey) sent to me last night after we had a little talk-cry in my kitchen.

"You rule the raging of the sea; when its waves rise, You still them.” ~ Psalm 89:9

Once again, His Word feeds and calms and fills me.

Yep - I'm still here. Just the same as always.

photo: The coast near Donegal, Ireland (Near where Deanna lives)