He fills the longing soul with good things. Ps. 107:9

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Real

I'm in a blogging predicament.

I'm afraid of whining - or of being perceived as a whiner. This blogging thing is a great outlet for me. I've loved to journal all my life. But I love (and miss) the freedom I have when I can write my heart out without any thought whatsoever as to what negative reactions or perceptions might be experienced by my friends/readers/lurkers/whatever.

It's easy to blog when something crazy happens or when I've had a brief moment of clarity or inspiration. But I'm in a rather stressful season of life these last few months. There are many days that I want to blog, but find that someway or another, something of my stress will probably come out in my writing. And I'm scared.

One reason is that "Oh-you-poor-dear-you'll-get-it-together-one-of-these-days-just-hold-on-'till-Jesus-comes" reactions embarrass me and make me feel incompetent. But there is something inside of me that fights to be free of those insecurities and be real. Blogs of friends like this one who share the truth of where they are in a way that makes us all sigh and smile or cry and say..."I'm not the only one. We're all more alike than we let on. It's okay to not be perfect. She understands and won't judge me."

I've been deeply hurt by gossip and not being able to correct other's conceptions of myself. (Not looking for sympathy....just telling you my story.) And I'm struggling to be bigger than those hurts and be real. Realness is one of the things that makes me really feel proud to be me. (There's a sentence for you.) But I'm so afraid that ME will not be accepted.

This has turned into a little more than I had expected. I wanted to say that I'm majorly stressed out and arguing with my husband and my house is a mess and my kids are....there are no words to describe my children right now. But I also want to be able to defend myself and say that I do some things really right, too. I know I do. But all of the things I'm not doing so whoopy at right now are making me feel buried. And I KNOW that you understand and I know that you've been there. And I have a sneakin' suspicion that those who criticize just feel all of this more deeply than they know how - or are free -to admit.

So there's the real me for tonight.
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11 comments

Toots said...

Thanks for your honesty, Sarah. It's refreshing.

It's so good to see REAL people, those who recognize we are all, at times, needy and fragile, those who see we are all equally valuable (despite our struggles) because God says we are. It's comforting to remember, that as we are trusting Him with all our being, our worth is fixed. We don't have to hide behind walls of protection.

I'm reminded of a doll story. Daddy is asked to hold baby doll while little daughter gets doll's bed ready. He looks down into the doll's ragged worn face; she has one eye missing, torn ear, matted hair, dirty, ripped dress. He thinks, this doll is a mess. It should be pitched. But then he thinks of how the little girl feels about that doll. It is her precious baby doll, her treasure.
The doll is transformed in his mind. He sees the doll as precious, beautiful from that day forward.

I'm so glad God feels that way about us.

Angie Davis said...

I hope you never stop being real. It's refreshing! (And so very like my life...) Besides, I haven't read the official blog rules, but I'm pretty sure we're allowed to whine and get it out of our system.

The critics--well, there will always be critics and I'm not sure their opinions are really worth losing sleep over.

Hurry up and get to Indiana, so that when my house is a wreck, my husband is a turkey and the kids are swinging from the ceiling fans, I'll know I'm not the only one!

Anonymous said...

Sarah,
I've bookmarked your site as a favorite this month........and I've SO enjoyed it! Thank you for sharing your life.
It takes courage to be real....yet real with courage is what we all need to see each other live. I've met some who just want to be real....but without the courage part. What inspires and challenges me is when someone is real yet has the courage to press on, to reach higher, to dig deeper... Thank you for being real, with courage! :) Keep up the good work!

Janice

Carrie said...

I thought that, "Realness is one of the things that makes me really feel proud to be me," was a great sentence!

Your "realness" is what brings me back to your blog daily.

To be quite honest, it's a side of you that I wish I had've gotten to know while we were in college. But alas, you were holed up practicing in the music studio and I was diagramming sentences and writing journals in the Mom White room! :p

David and Sarah Fry said...

Me too, Carrie. At least life gave us a second chance, huh? Now we're BOTH cleanin' up poop. Common ground.

Angie Davis said...

Nothing like poop to help women bond...

Juwah said...

Sarah;
I really enjoyed this post. We all have days like this, and it's easy on blogs to make our lives sound perfect. It can actually be amusing, to see all the perfect, children, husbands, homes, etc... Then again, I too struggle with finding the balance between being real and airing my dirty laundry. I think you've found that balance and I apprecitate it.

Be encouraged.

~Heather~ said...

Sarah, I enjoyed reading that post. AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I've had my struggles too. I've always been a very confident person, but then when we left for the mission field, I felt like I lost the "Real Heather", and like I was falling apart. But, God has helped me, and I'm happy to find the "NEW" me...and my kids don't always look squeaky clean...and neither does my house...AND NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSES for that matter. =)
Glad you are true blue, AND WE LOVE YOU JUST LIKE YOU ARE!!
Love, Heather =)

Kimberly said...

It seems to me that you do 99%..(ok maybe 99.9%) really, really well! Who appointed the critics? Blessings!

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